This. Life. It’s messy. That’s all. I used to say, ‘life sucks, then you die’. Not any more. Life is beautiful. We were put on earth to worship. We are creatures that crave worship. But where should our focus of worship be. The Sunday school answer: JESUS!! Oh, to have the simple life of a little one that remembers all we need is Jesus.
Now this post get a little schizophrenic. I have so much on my mind, so I’m hoping I can get my thoughts out clearly. Bare with me.
About a month ago I hit rock bottom (in my own medical opinion) with depression. I am so thankful that it happened to be when the boys were spending some much needed time with Mimi & Papa. But, I had to get talked off the ledge. Would I really hurt myself, or put myself in danger, no; I’m too chicken for that. But I did think everyone would be better off if I just went to sleep and never woke up. Sucks, I know. But that’s what good friends are for, and a spouse, too. I spent the day grocery shopping, balling down EACH AND EVERY ISLE before I realized nothing was going to be accomplished. So I went home and took myself off to bed, and it all went downhill from there. I’m not very good at getting out of my own head. I was convinced that no one wanted to be friends, and I can’t POSSIBLY keep up with the 2 friends that I did have. See… Schizo. Maybe it was the nap, or the very good guttural cry (you know, the kind that makes your ribs hurt), or there were prayers being offered up on my behalf. Or maybe all 3. I don’t know. But I’m on the other side, praying it doesn’t get that bad again.
And speaking of not having friends…
This is totally NOT true, but I have a terrible time telling myself otherwise. I believe the lie that Satan whispers ‘You don’t have anymore energy to put into this friendship’, ‘You can’t always be the one reaching out first. If they were truly your friend, they would reach out to you too’, ‘No one wants to come and sweat out this heat wave in your house’ and such more along those lines. Man, how he gets on my shoulder and whispers away, and how quickly my heart takes to these lies, and treats them like truth. I need Jesus. I need the refreshing breath of HIM blown in my face every nano second of every day!! All this to say, I’m doing my best at combating this enemy. But, I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard. I think I have been trapped in my own little world of grief, that I was willing to believe anything that was whispered, just so I could stay frozen. So I could keep my focus on my immediate situation, and forget the big picture. This was no longer about loosing my baby. But an excuse to desaturate myself from God’s word. I had become frozen-stale. The night before our ultra sound, you know, the dreaded one, Paul and I were meeting with the elders of our church to finish up our membership application, and one of them asked us to share our stories of salvation. I remember CLEARLY saying that I had never had anything happen in my life that would be drastic enough to force me to God. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut?? Ha! But here I am 8 months after a day that brought God so close, I could feel His embrace, holding us up, and I all but ignore Him. I don’t have to be a mess, because I am complete in Him. I realized I am putting unrealistic expectations on myself, that He would never ask of me. All He wants is me. Ugly ‘ol sin laced me. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing. This is where that big, nasty, thorny, knotty 2 by 4 comes in. Just today, when I unplugged from EVERYTHING did I realize just how far I had fallen.
Wow. Ouch. BOOM to the side of my head.
I know I can be on the dense side, but really?! Did you have to hit SO hard, and right to the core? REALLY?!
AND on top of all of this, I realized the core reason I can’t seem to loose the baby weight. Self control. There I said it. We live in an instant gratification, and by golly, I want my gratification NOW!! No, maybe a cheeseburger, or that oreo. (MMMMMMMMM) I need the ability to say no. I can’t do it. I crave everything I see that is covered in chocolate, drizzled with cheese, and loaded with bacon.
So, what is the point of this post? I have a new awareness. I’m always telling the boys to be aware of their surroundings. Now it’s my turn. Watch out world. I’m on a mission!
Oh Si… We say this a lot. This kid, man. He brings me so much joy, and pain. He allows me to ‘practice’ my patience… a ton.
We are also treading on new ground with our newly minted 3-year-old. We’ve always had a reason to kick a kid out of the crib, no so with Si. We’ve always had at least one little in diapers, but we are almost done with those. (after 8 1/2 years) Lots of changes with out the promise of new life to fill the void that Benjamin would have filled for our family. So, I’m struggling. Struggling to get rid of baby clothes. Struggling to get rid of the crib. Struggling to get rid of the changing table. Just, all around struggling.
I wish I could say that the grief has gotten better. The last few weeks, I’d say it has gotten worse. I am a walking, crying mess. Sure, the chaos of the boys is a distraction. But it doesn’t help when things are quiet. Like when I’m trying to fall asleep and sleep won’t come. Or when I’m in the shower with nothing but my thoughts to torture me. This is hard. I wish I had it all together. I know one day I will, but not this side of heaven. And oh, how I long for heaven. To see my sweet boy’s face. To hold him. To tell him I love him. All those things I want to give him but I can’t. But he is FAR better off. He is dancing and singing with Jesus. How could I not want that for him. Man, these earthly emotions are killer…
I say throw them back at the powers at be! Ha!! Life has taken an interesting, scary, and stressful turn here in the Phillips household. Lots of change happening, and I’d love to tell you all about it, just ask me. (Not quite the place to tell of all the happenings.)
The phrase ‘God will never give you more than you can handle’ has been coming to mind quite a bit lately. But this phrase is so untrue. No where in the Bible does it say this. He says He will carry us, bare our burdens. But He also said we will suffer for Him when we hold Him close. We were never promised an easy life. Our family is in the trenches. Hardships are stacked upon hardships. All we can do is pray, trust God for the bigger picture. So, please, let’s stop lying to each other. God gives us what HE thinks we can handle, because let’s face it, He knows me best. I cling to Him to get me through. He will see me through. The question is whether it’s this side of heaven or not.
May passed in a flurry. Mother’s Day was probably the worst day for me. Benjamin was my Mother’s Day baby. Monday the 9th was his scheduled birthday. I was a ball of tears just trying to get through. And I did. So many people near and far were holding my up in prayer. And it’s the weirdest thing. I feel like the mourning period is over. My pregnancy is over. A friends mom described it like David with the death of his infant son with Bathsheba. He fasted and prayed, and when the child did die, he tore his clothing and ate. Life is moving on. But day by day, life is getting better. My depression is still there, the sadness is still there, but there was an ending. Sometimes the depression is overwhelming, but as I said before, I don’t have the luxury of giving in. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe not. All I know is that it works. Staying busy works, and at the same time, I long for quiet. (yup, a joke with 3 VERY LOUD AND ACTIVE BOYS) I am thankful for my 4 reasons to get out of bed in the morning.
I found this gem on Tuesday evening, after I had spent the previous hour getting after the boys for not listening, leaving messes, and plain ‘ol disobedience. I was pulling my mommy hair out. (I think I should be bald at this point! Ha! ;)) But this boys unconditional love caught me off guard. It made me stop, hug them, and apologize for my shrew-ness that I had unleashed. Thank you, my sweet Matthew, for doing Mommy’s heart good, being so silly, and bringing the calm. I love you to the moon and back!!
This. Sometimes pintrest can be a bad thing. I came across this picture, and it truly describes all of my emotions. Some days the pain is closer to the surface than others. But it’s always there. Many people ask how I’m doing. Fine is the general answer. Mostly because I don’t want to start crying, or overwhelm the person asking. So, how I really feel gets shoved down further. I struggle here. I struggle with how much to share. Some have gotten the down dirty truth of all of my emotions. (In the not so quiet corridor of an apartment building. Ha! Sorry about that one!) The struggle for me is knowing when I can feel safe to open up, without fear of judgement, and when to hold back. Because, let me be quite frank and honest, I’m struggling with a lot of ugly, sinful, and hard emotions. The run the gamete from hate to guilt, to fear, to deep deep deep sorrow. I’m not going to go into detail here, it’s not the place. So, I’m asking for a room filled with grace. Some where we can go, share what is on our hearts, knowing that not everyone has it all together. Somewhere where I can go, be honest, not judged, and know that I will be prayed with, over, AND have Truth spoken to my soul. I need it. Oh, how selfishly I need Truths poured into my life right now.
THAT’S IT! My next post WILL be a happy one!! Ha! I promise I’m not a depressing person. Just a sinner, struggling to find my way through the muck of life.
I’ve jokingly said (ok, and with some seriousness) that I am going to erase the month of May from the calendar this year. I know this will be the hardest month. I can feel it coming. Benjamin was due in May. May 16th. That’s 4 weeks from this coming Monday. 3 weeks until he would have been delivered via C-section. We would have already scheduled his birth by now. We would have known when we would have gotten to see him, hold him. But that day isn’t going to come. We have already gotten to hold him, for such a brief time. My arms ache for him. So many emotions are going through my brain, my heart. Seriously, this is so hard. Some days I get so tired of being strong. I want to be weak. I want to be carried. But, I know that is not my personality. I’m a time to put on the big girl panties and deal with life type of person. I know that can be a good thing, but it can also be very bad. All I can say is keep praying for us. We need them.
I am desperate. I am desperate for Christ. His leading in my life.
Despite the revolving door of sickness that continues to ‘bless’ us, we’ve had some good weeks. When they do come, life feels good, manageable even. The tailspin of sorrow isn’t overwhelming. The tears aren’t harsh, they are quiet.
This Psalm has been on my heart and mind lately…
Psalm 42
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how would I do with the throng
and lead them in the procession to the
house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because
of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall praise him,
my salvation and my God.
So many thoughts resonate with my heart. The tears as food, praising God in the night when the darkness threatens to overwhelm. But, in the end, I don’t feel forgotten by God. He is my daily hope. Oh, how fickle human emotions can be. So thankful for the salvation I have found in Christ, that I have been called to be his child.
On a side note, pray for us. We are contesting the medical bill from my last post. We could use guidance. We want a change, the ‘system’ needs to change. No parent who looses a child should get something like that in the mail. I am so thankful for the support that we do have.
Ugh. Argh. Tears. Medical bills. Insurance companies. Copays.
We finally received the bills for my hospital stay and Benjamin’s delivery. And the world came crashing in. They line item-ed him. On one single bill, that one line item, told me that I didn’t want my baby. ‘Induced Abortion’. WHAT?! That is a procedure you have when you don’t want a baby. (Seriously wrong and immoral, but that’s not my point) Don’t they know how badly I want to still be pregnant with my little boy? How much I want to hold him? See him grow? Hear him say ‘I love you, momma’? Wounds that were healing are suddenly ripped wide open. Raw and bleeding. It’s down right mean, and it hurts. I’m hurting like never before. I have to pay for a procedure I never wanted to have. I don’t even know what to say other than pray for me. I could really use comfort.
I don’t like crying. I’m not a cute cryer. Yet, God has abundantly given me this gift.
Today is hard. Today is not a good day. I want to go back to bed and forget the world. I’m willing to let my house turn into a scene from The Lord of the Flies just to escape. But, I can’t. It’s that simple. I have 3 little boys that need their mommy present. Math lessons need to be taught, and laundry needs to be tackled. The world moves on, but I want today to it stand still. It’s hard to cling to God’s Truths on days like today. I want to hold my baby boy so desperately.
Yesterday was Benjamin’s 2 month birthday. 2 MONTHS!! I need a good cry over him, but I haven’t allowed myself to do that. I don’t know why. Maybe I subconsciously think it’s a sign of weakness, and I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to fall apart. But I think that’s what is going to happen today. Pray for my boys! Ha! At least it’s not a dreary day.
